


Winter Soldier Handbook

by VampirePaladin



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, In-Universe Publication - Technical Manual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-15 23:28:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21026528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VampirePaladin/pseuds/VampirePaladin
Summary: The standard issue handbook HYDRA gives out with every one of their Winter Soldiers.





	Winter Soldier Handbook

**Author's Note:**

  * For [seinmit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/seinmit/gifts).

****

_ **Winter Soldier Handbook** _

So, you’ve been issued a Winter Soldier for your next mission. What does that mean for you? What can you use them for? What are their limits? How can you properly clean and maintain your Winter Soldier so that it will last you the entire mission without needing a reset? Whether you are using one for a day or using one for a year, this guide is everything you need to know about your Winter Soldier. Make sure you read this carefully to ensure optimal usage. After all, you wouldn’t want to waste our time at HYDRA R&D who wrote this so that you dumbass HYDRA agents wouldn’t break our masterpieces or get yourselves killed, now would you?

**Where do Winter Soldiers come from?**  
If you don’t already know where Winter Soldiers come from then you don’t have high enough clearance to know. Just remember that the bright minds at HYDRA R&D make Winter Soldiers possible for loyal members like you and me.

**What can a Winter Soldier do?**  
Some Winter Soldiers are general, all purpose units. Others are designed for specific tasks. All Winter Soldiers come with standard combat training (unarmed, melee, and basic firearms), swimming, three languages, evasion, survival, cooking, cleaning, and dog grooming. For a Winter Soldier designed for a specific task, consult your E-29.

**What can’t a Winter Soldier do?**  
While Winter Soldiers are perfect soldiers, assassins, and short order cooks, there are some limits to what is capable of a Winter Soldier. They are not capable of artistic or creative thought. Therefore we do not recommend you use them for creating a fake artist whose works you can sell to museums. They also should not be allowed to care for small children, unless you hate said small children. Winter Soldiers do not possess superpowers. That is a completely different program. To talk about superpowers contact Dr. Strucker and ask about borrowing the twins.

**What do I feed my Winter Soldier?**  
Your Winter Soldier operates best when provided with three balanced meals a day but can operate on one for somewhat reduced efficiency. They also require water. Alcohol will also do in a pinch as their digestive system has been modified to prevent drunkenness. 

**How do I clean my Winter Soldier?**  
We recommend ordering it to strip down and then using a hose. Winter Soldiers do not require the luxury of hot water and only require detergents for extreme messes.

**How else do I care for my Winter Soldier?**  
There are a few things that need to be done for your Winter Soldier that you might not be aware of.  
1\. Apply sunscreen on the exposed skin of your Winter Soldier. Nothing ruins a covert operation like tan lines. You don’t want to be the agent who has to report back that an op was ruined because your Winter Soldier had tan lines.  
2\. Winter Soldiers require more water in hotter climates. If your Winter Soldier continues to struggle with the heat you might want to consider removing parts of their clothing to better ventilate them. Remember, your Winter Soldier has no nudity taboo, so they won’t mind running into battle wearing nothing but boots and a belt if that is what it takes.  
3\. Avoid exposing your Winter Soldier to persons, places, or things that might have been familiar to them before they joined our program. There is no reason to worry about what might happen, it’s just very awkward.  
4\. Do not expose your Winter Soldier to a SHIELD agent unless you can make sure that agent dies. We’ve managed to keep the Winter Soldier program secret from SHIELD for over fifty years. If we all work together, we can keep it secret for another fifty years. Don’t be that person that makes our double agents have to clean up after you.  
5\. Your Winter Soldier does require oxygen. Leaving your Winter Solider in an environment without oxygen for more than five minutes will result in premature expiration.

**My Winter Soldier is displaying unusual behaviors. What do I do?**  
In some ways a Winter Soldier is just like a computer you pick up at your local Radio Shack. Sometimes your Winter Soldier has issues that can be compared to a computer virus, a blue screen of death, or a hardware failure. When these happen bring your Winter Soldier into HYDRA R&D and we will be happy to perform a factory reset for you, as just like a computer the best way to fix an error is to reset it back to the way it came out of the box. Of course, your Winter Soldier will not retain any information about your mission, so make sure that all debriefings and mission reports are finished before the reset. You wouldn’t want to have disciplinary action taken against you for failing to supply all requested information, would you?

**Can I use my Winter Soldier for recreational activities?**  
No need to be bashful. Just come out and say what you really mean. You want to know if your Winter Soldier can be used for sexual intercourse. The answer is a resounding “YES!” Your Winter Soldier will participate in any sex act without hesitation and will perform to the best of its ability. Just remember to use a condom and to clean it up when finished. You wouldn’t want to be locked up in HYDRA R&D so that we can study the development of the offspring of a Winter Soldier, now would you?

We’d like to thank you for taking the time to read the Winter Soldier Handbook. We hope that you have had all of your questions answered about the care and keeping of your Winter Soldier for the duration of the mission. It can seem like a daunting task to care for and keep your Winter Soldier in working order, but just remember what you’ve read, reference the book if you need to and you definitely won’t end up murdered by your own Winter Soldier who has just recovered all of their memories and are now trying to kill you in a desperate need to get vengeance for their stolen life. 

Hail HYDRA!


End file.
